The Longest Day - A dungeon crawl through mental health
Back in the middle of 2017 I felt like my health was in decline although i was unsure why. I found that I was tired, irritable and suffering from skin burning flushes and migraines. This became steadily worse until I finally collapsed in pain in November of the same year and I was rushed to the local hospital.
After many blood tests and examinations it was discovered that the problem was in fact Cervical cancer. While shocking to hear, it actually explained a lot. When I came home from the diagnosis I remember ticking through a list of symptoms provided in a short leaflet and I certainly had a few of the normal ones on the list. However, I found myself thinking 'Where was the tiredness and anxiety? Where were the migraines and sleepless nights?' After starting chemotherapy treatment a few weeks later I decided to try to also focus on other aspects of my life. What was it that was causing these other symptoms?
I mean it's obvious to me now looking back. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. The truth was that I was in an unhappy relationship and frustrated with my work life. Being so close to it all at the time though I found myself at a loss.
Deciding I needed something low impact to focus on I started writing a D&D campaign. I called it 'The Longest Day' and I focused on each aspect in turn from storyline and plot points to NPCs and monsters. Over the coming months, the treatment caused my tiredness and illness levels got worse. I would sometimes sleep for 16-18 hours a day, waking only to eat something then immediately vomit. Even with all this going on though, I would set some time aside each day or two to write the next part of the story or work on that NPC a little more. It was nothing especially good but it was keeping me sane.
After a few months the course of treatment ended and things were starting to look up. My mental health was on the up as well as my physical self thanks to some big life changes, I found a new job and was focusing on myself again. Even though the campaign i had been writing found itself back on the shelf, I was back! However, I had found that campaign writing was my new secret weapon. Something that could help me get through rough times.
Over the years that have followed any time I have felt my anxiety levels rising towards an unmanageable level I write a campaign or a one shot. These projects hardly ever see the light of day but occasionally when one does get dusted off and played with friends I can always pinpoint the version of myself that wrote it. She is usually overwhelmed by life and trying to hold it all together. She's very focused on the details and, as she writes the game, her brain works on the causes of the anxiety, usually completing both tasks at the same time. In the quiet moments as my players are discussing a puzzle or working out how to ambush the enemy, I sit back and evaluate the differences in these two versions of myself.
I read somewhere that a lot of famous authors write in the dead of night and try to focus whilst sleep deprived. I wonder if that's an artificial way of creating a hyper focused environment like the natural one I stumbled upon all that time ago. Either way I have found a trusted aid to help me work through my problems, thus allowing my brain the time and space to figure out solutions without my emotions clouding the issue. Think of it as my brain being the strict teacher dealing with the problem while my emotions are the naughty child sent to the quiet table with some crayons to keep them occupied!
I am very lucky to have an outlet for this. I have a wide group of friends all with various gaming experience. Some are experts, some novices, but all are fun to play with. I have GMed a handful of times, usually fast paced one shots and most of the time they go down quite well. I am still learning every time I lead a game and painstakingly interrogate my players for critique and improvements. Each time I close a story at the game table I feel like the chapter I was in whilst writing it also closes.
However I am not ready to show the world 'The Longest Day' campaign just yet. Maybe because it was written in a painkiller fueled haze and is most likely unintelligible. Or maybe because it would mean having to remember that version of myself. I can't answer that question today but I hope to be able to one day.
Jerrie x
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